Fear of Flying
by CharS
Summary: Mac's fears get the best of her and it's up to Harm to help her overcome them.


Title: Fear of flying (Part 1)  
  
Author: CharS  
  
Rating: mostly PG, some PG-13  
  
Classification: Harm/Mac, some Bud/Harriet  
  
Spoiler: Anything up to & including Hero Worship  
  
Summary: Mac's fear gets the best of her  
  
Disclaimers: All characters of JAG belong to Donald Bellasarius and Bellasarius Productions; no copyright infringement intended. Song credits: "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson, "The One" by Gary Allan  
  
Part 1  
  
1530 local  
  
Friday  
  
Harm's office  
  
Savoring a fresh cup of coffee, Harm thumbed through his desk calendar. I can't believe only two weeks till Bud ships off. Things won't be the same without him here, he thought to himself.  
  
The Admiral's party, or rather the party that Harriet had "talked" him into having was next Saturday evening. Harm laughed thinking, She certainly knows how to get him to do things he would otherwise never consider, like Mac's engagement party. Another difficult party I had to live through. Maybe I should just give my regrets and have a quiet evening at home. Bud would understand, at least I hope he will.  
  
Bud's promotion was not a surprise to him, but his assignment on a carrier was. He didn't think that Bud would agree to go, leaving Harriet and little AJ behind. He's a stronger man than I am Harm thought remembering the times that he and Mac said "good-bye" over the years. His heart couldn't handle another good-bye and wondered if that was where all the turmoil between he and Mac would lead. God, I hope not. If she would just hear me out, things would be different.  
  
Sighing, Harm returned to his stack of files, not sure which disaster to open first. Concentration was not his strong point today. He couldn't help but remember all the cases he and Bud worked on together, especially the "trip" to Australia. That was one helluva vacation he laughed, remembering the broken jaw he and Bugme gave Bud. Amazing how Mac was the only one who understood him. He mentally shifted gears. Amazing, that is definitely a word to describe her. Now he was frustrated. He wasn't going to get any work done today. Thoughts of Mac were clouding his mind. They had tried to have "the talk" out on the Guadalcanal and again since then. But there was always something getting in the way. Wasn't for my lack of trying, that's for sure! he thought, finally giving up on his cluttered desk. Grabbing his briefcase and hat, he decided to call it a day. A run and a hot shower sound good about now.  
  
Same time  
  
Bud & Harriet's house  
  
Mac had definitely been distracted lately too. For as much as she wanted to help Harriet pack, she regretted it once she got there. Harriet chattered the whole time about Bud and how she would write and send pictures. God, this is so hard. And she is so upbeat! I couldn't be that strong—sending a husband thousands of miles away into a war zone, moving to a smaller apartment, a toddler. She is so committed and without fear!  
  
Mac picked up a collage picture frame and started to wrap it in newspaper. Turning it over she saw all the pictures of Harriet and Bud's life. The picture of she and Harm holding little AJ as a baby was right in the middle. The smiles on their faces spoke to her. For a brief moment she thought We could have that! What am I so afraid of?  
  
"Mac? You alright?" Harriet called to her from across the room.  
  
"I'm sorry Harriet, what did you say?" Mac replied, quickly wrapping the picture and wiping her eyes before Harriet saw the tears.  
  
"I was just wondering if you wanted anything to eat. We've been at this awhile . . . . "  
  
Harriet's words drifted in the air without Mac really hearing them. She was still focused on the now-wrapped picture in the box. Seeing the picture was such a reminder of how it used to be between them. They were sent spiraling out of control with Mic, Renee, the accident. At times it seemed like they were finding their way back to each other. But her fear had gotten the better of her several times when they tried to have "the talk". Frankly, she was downright mean on the Guadalcanal according to her recollection. All I ever wanted was for Harm to let go of that control and every time he tried I turned away.  
  
Harriet's persistence about getting something to eat brought a stop to the packing for now. They were almost done, just a few little things. The movers were coming tomorrow so they would need to finish at some point.  
  
0800 local  
  
Monday  
  
JAG  
  
Mac had spent most of the weekend with Harriet and Bud, staying busy to keep her emotions in check. She hadn't seen Harm since Thursday. That was a good thing, right? Out of site, out of mind. Wrong! Walking through the doors into the bullpen brought those closely guarded emotions front and center. His office was open and silently beckoning her. Can't do this, not now. If I can just get to my office without him seeing him, maybe I have half a shot at getting some work done undistracted. Her haste to get into her office sent her files tumbling from her arms onto the floor.  
  
She cursed to herself. As she bent down to start the "paper chase" a familiar hand reached down and began gathering the files.  
  
"Here, let me help you, Mac."  
  
Looking up, they were at eye level, and for a moment she got lost in those blue reflecting pools he had for eyes.  
  
"I'm alright, Harm. I can get these—thanks anyway" Mac said brusquely, looking away to save her soul from drowning.  
  
He stood there not knowing what to say. All attempts to communicate were promptly shut down by Mac. Harm started to say "let's talk" for about the hundredth time and decided that it wasn't worth the effort to fight right now.  
  
Once inside her office, Mac dumped the tangled mess of files on her desk, shut the door, pulled the shades and crumpled to the floor in tears. She silently prayed no one could hear her sobs. It was all becoming painfully obvious to her that her fear was pushing away the one man she had ever truly loved with all her being. She shut down every time—the struggle between wanting him and the fear of losing him crushing her.  
  
Harm walked back to his office and paced the floor. OK, maybe I should just go back there and just talk whether she listens or not. When she looked into my eyes I know I saw something that resembled how she used to look at me. It's almost like she's trying to bury it deeper and deeper. I'm going to talk to her now! Harm did an abrupt about-face, almost running Bud over on the way out.  
  
"Commander . . .Harm . . .do you have a moment?"  
  
"Uh, sure Bud, anytime . . .I'm just . . ." Harm stopped, looking toward Mac's closed door "Yeah, come on in, I have some time" he said closing his door behind Bud.  
  
"What can I do for you? You almost packed and ready to ship-off?"  
  
"Yes, sir, Harm, that's why I'm here. You see, well, what I need to talk to you about . . . . OK," he said taking a deep breath, "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind looking after Harriet and AJ for me while I'm away. If she knew I was asking you to do this she would be angry, but I would certainly feel better knowing that my closest friend, my son's Godfather, would take care of them."  
  
Harm was speechless. He was honored that Bud thought of him that way. Without hesitation, he replied, "Of course, Bud, you can count on me. I would be honored to do that for you. Mac and I adore Little AJ—I know she will be happy to help out as well" Harm automatically included Mac out of force of habit. He knew it was safe to assume that Mac would be agreeable to this. Their friends were about the only things that brought them together anymore. They shared a common bond with Little AJ, a strong bond. They loved that little boy and would do anything for Bud and Harriet as well. Maybe this common ground will be enough for us, Harm wondered briefly. Bud brought Harm's thoughts back to the here and now.  
  
"You are planning on coming to the Admiral's Saturday, aren't you?"  
  
"Well, I . . . ." Bud's face was beginning to show disappointment as Harm was ready to give his excuses. "Sure, I wouldn't miss it for the world" he smiled, wondering if he was going to regret going.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Part 2  
  
Saturday  
  
1630  
  
Admiral's home  
  
"As usual, you've outdone yourself Harriet", AJ said admiring the array of food and the guests streaming through his door.  
  
"Thank you, sir." replied Harriet, beaming with joy.  
  
The last party held at the Admiral's was Mac's engagement party. AJ was a little apprehensive, but none the less agreeable. Bud had come a long way in his career—it was a big move for him and Harriet, he deserved a proper send off. He couldn't help but think about how things had turned out for Mac. He had hoped he'd be pulling Admiral's privilege by now for her and Harm, but for whatever reason, it wasn't happening. In fact, he really thought the next party would have been for them. Well, maybe someday AJ thought as he turned his attentions to the arriving guests.  
  
Mac's Apartment  
  
Same time  
  
Mac sat on her bed, legs drawn up to her chin with her arms wrapped around them, listening to music, trying to get the energy to get going. She knew she should be getting dressed to go to the Admiral's, but she couldn't. Maybe I'll just call and give some sort of excuse, I'm sure they would understand. Mac sighed, No, they wouldn't. This is a big day for Bud, Harriet would never forgive me. It's not fair to them. I'll just have to forget my problems with Harm, put on my game face and go. The music resonating through the room wasn't helping matters.  
  
I'm so scared that the way that I feel,  
  
Is written all over my face,  
  
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place,  
  
We used to laugh, we used to hug,  
  
The way that old friends do,  
  
But now a smile and a touch of your hand,  
  
Just makes me come unglued,  
  
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth,  
  
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you.  
  
It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,  
  
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,  
  
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,  
  
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,  
  
Oh, I want you to know,  
  
But then again I don't,  
  
It's so complicated.  
  
Saying it was complicated was putting it mildly she thought, getting off the bed. Never before in her life did fear take control of her. Now pacing the room like a caged cat, Mac was letting it consume her. She lost count of the number of times she wanted to give in to her emotions and run to him, but her fear always stopped her dead in her tracks.  
  
Just when I think I'm under control,  
  
I think I finally got a grip,  
  
Another friend tells me that,  
  
My name is always on your lips,  
  
They say I'm more than just a friend,  
  
They say I must be blind,  
  
Well I admit that I've seen you watch me,  
  
From the corner of your eye,  
  
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess,  
  
But think of what I'd be losing,  
  
If your answer wasn't yes.  
  
Was it worth the risk? She remembered asking him on that ferry. At that time she thought it was, now she wasn't so sure. She couldn't take another failed relationship. If it went under it would take her best friend with it and that was unacceptable. But her behavior lately was destroying their friendship too. The other day in the office when she dropped her files, the "old" Mac would not have dismissed him so quickly and the "old" Harm would not have let her. The more she pushed him away, the more he stayed away.  
  
It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,  
  
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,  
  
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,  
  
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,  
  
Oh, I want you to know,  
  
But then again I don't,  
  
It's so complicated.  
  
I hate it 'cause I've waited so long for someone like you,  
  
Should I say it,  
  
Should I tell you how I feel,  
  
Oh I want you to know,  
  
But then again I don't,  
  
It's so complicated.  
  
Why am I doing this? Get a grip, Marine! Get on with your life! Mac strode over to the CD player and promptly shut it off. I can do this—I can go to that party and have a good time. Mac quickly dressed—casual—jeans and a sleeveless sweater. She stood before the mirror and checked her image. Deep breath—OK I am ready as I'll ever be. Grabbing her purse, she began her journey to the Admiral's.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Part 3  
  
1640 local  
  
Admiral's home  
  
Harm pulled his SUV into the driveway. No Corvette in sight. Maybe she decided to stay home, he thought, a little disappointed. Walking up to the front porch he stopped. How vivid were his memories of her party and "the porch". Its past history, gotta move on and he ascended the porch and walked in the door.  
  
"Mr. Rabb, glad to see you could make it", the Admiral said. "Where's Mac? I thought she'd be here now."  
  
"I'm not sure, sir. I haven't seen her since yesterday. I assumed she'd be here by now. Would you like me to call?"  
  
"Won't be necessary. She'll show up. Please, make yourself at home. I think Harriet and Bud are on the patio with Sturgis and Bobbie."  
  
"Thank you, sir." AJ walked away leaving Harm in the foyer alone. Guess I better be social he thought heading for the patio.  
  
20 minutes later  
  
Admiral's home  
  
Mac eased her car in front of the Admiral's home. Turning off the engine, she sighed. OK, here goes. Game face on, shoulders back. She opened the door and got out. I guess that answers that question she thought walking past Harm's SUV. She could hear the music and laughter emanating from the back yard. The sight of the front porch stopped her. The last time she was here was her engagement party, and that porch well, it looks just like it did that night. She avoided using the front door and walked around the home to the back. The patio was crowded with well-wishers. Harriet saw her immediately and went over to greet her.  
  
"Mac! I'm so glad you made it! I was beginning to think something happened" she said hugging her.  
  
Something happened all right thinking of the fear that gripped her an hour ago.  
  
"You know I wouldn't miss this for anything. Where's Bud?"  
  
"He and the Admiral are talking baseball over there" she said pointing to the other side of the yard. Only problem with that was Harm was there too. His back to her, he never noticed her come in. Any other time, he would have been at the front door waiting impatiently. OK, now what? I could go over there and say hi and then make a quick retreat to the house.  
  
Before she could start walking over, Bud noticed her and called to her. "Mac, over here!" Bud said waving. OK, here goes! Mac walked over to them.  
  
Harm spun around instinctively to see her. Her jeans and sweater clinged to her every curve making him catch his breath. Oh yeah, you're a picture of composure Rabb. The sight of her throws you into a tailspin.  
  
"Gentlemen. You look like you are plotting something" she said with a forced smile, trying to be humorous.  
  
"Just discussing Baltimore's playoff chances" AJ replied "no plotting there, it's been a good year thus far. Can I get you something to drink, Mac?"  
  
"That's OK, I can help myself. I'm going to see if I can help Harriet with anything. Try not to strain yourselves" she said laughing. Mac turned and started walking back to the house. OK, that went fine, probably sounded like an idiot. Forced the humor a little too much. Hope they didn't notice.  
  
Harm was still watching her walk to the house. She's a little edgy, he noticed. Hope everything is OK. She seems so distracted. I wish we could just talk like we used to. I just want her to know that I never stopped caring, despite her attempts to push me away. Well, now is not the time or place. Been there, done that. Soon. I won't let her keep doing this. He turned his attention back to the conversation about baseball, his mind and his heart not totally in it.  
  
  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Part 4  
  
1935 local  
  
Admiral's home  
  
They managed to spend the evening avoiding one another. Each had hoped that no one noticed.  
  
"Wonder what's going on between them. They've been avoiding each other all night" Harriet said to Bud.  
  
"I'm not sure. Harm talks about her but only in the past tense, about things they used to do or say. Mac looks uneasy—like there's something she needs to do but can't set her mind to it."  
  
"I know, Bud. I'm not even going to try to get in the middle of it. It may backfire and blow up in our faces. They'll work it out on their own."  
  
"I can't believe what I'm hearing—my wife doesn't want to play matchmaker? Are you sick?" Bud said laughing, touching her forehead to feel for a fever.  
  
Harriet swatted his hand away and said sternly "Stop it! They need to do this on their own, in their own way and time. Come on, let's try to get Little AJ to sleep some until it's time to go." Harriet picked the toddler up and they both went into the house.  
  
Mac was in the kitchen washing up some things when they came in.  
  
"We're just going to get AJ ready for bed" Harriet said to her.  
  
"Why don't you let me do that, if you don't mind. I'd love to read to him and get him settled." Mac said, drying her hands.  
  
"OK—sure, if it isn't a problem" Bud said.  
  
"What problem—I'd love to do it. Now run along and socialize—you won't be doing much of that once you ship off, Bud!"  
  
Harriet kissed her son and handed him to Mac. "Good Night, sweetheart. Mommy loves you!"  
  
Mac took him into the bedroom and got him washed up and changed into his pajamas. This is a welcome distraction she thought to herself, smiling at the little boy. Once he was ready for bed, she took him into the living room, turned on some quiet music and sat in the rocker holding little AJ on her lap. Tenderly and quietly, she read "Goodnight Moon", his favorite story. Mac practically knew the words by heart.  
  
Unseen by Mac, Harm stood in the doorway watching them. He was touched by the scene. How beautiful you are holding little AJ. Harm smiled warmly at them. He dreamt of her holding their own child so often that for awhile it seemed real to him. The familiar feeling of his eyes on her caused Mac to look up and see him standing there. She returned the warm smile, her edginess melting away. How comfortable this feels she thought. It feels real, the way it used to be, the way it should be.  
  
Harm walked into the room and knelt down along side of the chair. He ran his fingers gently over little AJ's head. His hand so close to her that he could feel her electricity coursing through his body. "He's asleep" he whispered to her.  
  
Mac sat for a moment, not quite sure how to get up out of the chair without waking the sleeping child. Harm sensed what she was thinking and said "Here, let me help you" sliding his arms under hers to lift the toddler. She didn't dismiss him this time. His proximity to her made her shiver, but not from the cold. His touch enlivened her nerve endings.  
  
Harm had full control over the sleeping child. He gently carried him to the bedroom, Mac following close behind. She turned the sheets down on the bed and Harm laid him down, ever so slowly, not wanting to wake little AJ or break the spell that had been cast over them. They both pulled the blanket up over him, pausing to make sure he was still asleep. "Come on, I think it's safe" Harm whispered near her ear. His breath on her neck warmed her soul. Taking her hand he led her from the room. Mac quietly pulled the door closed, but leaving it ajar so they could hear if he woke. She followed Harm back to the living room. They were now alone.  
  
Mac strode over to the window and slightly moved the blinds to look out onto the porch. The only presence on the porch was the ghosts of the past. Harm walked up behind her. It's time. I'm not letting her push me away anymore. He brought his hands up to her shoulders, pausing before touching them. As he rested his hands on her, he said "Sarah, look at me" and turned her around to face him. Her eyes spoke volumes. He could see every pain she ever felt and fear, there was fear there too. She tried to look away, but he took his hand to the side of her face, almost forcing her to look at him. And she did, tears brimming, almost ready to overflow. Why are you so afraid? Harm thought, wanting to say it out loud.  
  
For the first time in years, they didn't know what to say to each other. The quiet echoed in the room, except for the song playing on the CD. It called out to both of them.  
  
No rush though I need your touch  
  
I won't rush your heart  
  
Until you feel on solid ground  
  
Until your strength is found, girl  
  
I'll fill those canyons in your soul  
  
Like a river lead you home  
  
And I'll walk a step behind  
  
In the shadows so you shine  
  
Just ask it will be done  
  
And I will prove my love  
  
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"  
  
Harm pulled Mac close to him, whispering "Dance with me, Sarah." Slowly they moved together to the music. Mac tensed at the closeness they shared, Harm sensing this said "Relax, just let me hold you". As the song continued, Mac began to ease a little.  
  
Somebody else was here before  
  
He treated you unkind  
  
And broken wings need time to heal  
  
Before a heart can fly, girl  
  
I'll fill those canyons in your soul  
  
Like a river lead you home  
  
And I'll walk a step behind  
  
In the shadows so you shine  
  
Just ask it will be done  
  
And I will prove my love  
  
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"  
  
Trust in me and you'll find a heart so true  
  
All I want to do is give the best of me to you  
  
And stand beside you  
  
Just ask it will be done  
  
And I will prove my love  
  
Until you're sure that I'm "the one"  
  
  
  
As the song ended, the spell was broken, and Mac became edgy again. Harm spoke first. "I know things haven't been easy lately. There's a tension here that I don't know how to break anymore. No, I do know how to break it, but it involves you listening to me."  
  
Mac started to protest, but he cut her off. "Not this time, Sarah. You're not going to push me away again. Because if you do, I leave and there is no tomorrow, no turning back."  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Part 5  
  
The finality of his words shocked her. Is this what I have pushed him to? What have I done, what has my fear done? She sat down in the rocker, holding her head in her hands.  
  
His heart was pounding now, a knot was forming in the pit of his stomach. The last time he felt this way, felt scared, was the stormy night he dumped the Tomcat in the ocean trying to get back to her. This time was not much different, he was still trying to get back to her, trying to bring her back to him. The storm was brewing again—only this time the storm was in their hearts. Breathe—take control, don't let her run and jump ship. Pull her back before it's too late.  
  
Mac looked like she saw one of those ghosts on the porch. Her olive skin was now pale and white. She couldn't feel her heart anymore, the room was spinning slowly—time was standing still. Her mind went blank and words escaped her. Fear was taking over her body, consuming her like a fire out of control.  
  
Take control. She is dying slowly before your eyes. Gathering all his strength, Harm began, motioning to the porch "I remember that night like it was yesterday. How beautiful you looked. How stupid I was to not tell you what I was feeling. I didn't want you marrying him. I should have told you that long ago. I wanted you so desperately. But I was afraid."  
  
Mac sat there, not really believing what she was hearing, but she heard him none the less.  
  
He continued, pacing the room, "It's kind of like the first time you fly—you're afraid, you have all those knots in your stomach, not sure what's going to happen next. But once you're off the ground and you get up there, it just feels so natural, so exhilarating, you like that feeling of soaring. When we kissed that night, I was soaring. I liked that feeling. I like the feeling of being in love with you, Sarah."  
  
He was now kneeling beside her. "I was sure you felt the same way. I never thought you'd still want to marry Mic after that moment between us. I respected your decision, but I never gave up hope. I hoped we'd find our way back to each other. And then the quals, my accident—I was coming back to you—I let go of my fear, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to let go so easily."  
  
Lifting her chin with his finger, he forced her to look at him. He searched her eyes, trying to see some flicker of life. He resisted the urge to take her in his arms. I need you to hear me Sarah!  
  
Taking a deep breath, he went on, "After my accident I realized how short life is, how it could all be gone in a moment. I didn't want another moment to go by without you in it. But after Mic left, you kept pushing me away, you're still pushing me away. Can you sit there and tell me, right here and now, that you don't feel the same way? What are you so afraid of, Sarah?"  
  
Mac couldn't move, she couldn't speak. Another wave of fear paralyzed her again. She knew this could be the end of everything.  
  
Harm was now beyond frustrated. He wanted to grab her and shake her out of this comatose state she was in. I know she hears me, why can't I break this wall between us? He stood and turned to walk away, feeling it was the only way to get through to her.  
  
A different kind of fear now gripped her, I can't let you go! I need you! she thought, her head swimming. And as he turned to leave, she grabbed his arm and with every ounce of energy she could find whispered "Please don't go." Taking another deep breath, and finding her voice stronger, "I love you, Harm".  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Part 6  
  
She was just as surprised at her words as he was. He turned to face her, and then pulled her to her feet. She saw his eyes were filled with tears. Touching his face, Mac wiped them away, trembling. God, give me strength! I need to make him understand. His tears are real—have I hurt him beyond forgiveness?  
  
Her voice was strained, pleading with him, "Harm, please understand that it's not you that I'm afraid of, it's me. I have failed at relationships all my life. You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart and soul. I've been in love with you, but I don't want to lose you. I want us to be together, but if I screw this up" –she stopped and took a breath, her tears starting to choke her "—that fear of losing you, not having you in my life paralyzes me. I don't think I could live without you."  
  
She turned from him, not wanting him to see her cry again. Harm moved up behind her and wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "I'm here, Sarah. Trust me. I'll be there to hold your hand and I promise that I will never let go. You will never lose me, Sarah, I love you." She was now facing him, looking deep into his heart, seeing their past and their future. His undying love for her reflected in his eyes. He softly kissed her. As his lips touched hers, she felt her heart start beating again.  
  
They stood holding each other for what felt like an eternity. Mac touched his face again, This has to be a dream! Instinctively knowing what she was thinking, Harm said "I'm not a dream, Sarah. I'm real and my love for you is real. We've come too far to turn back now. Listen to your heart, give us a chance. Let go of your fear, find your wings and fly to me."  
  
She brought her lips to his, brushing them over his mouth, whispering his name. He pulled her into him, not wanting to go another minute without experiencing those kisses that lit the fire in his soul. Harm said he would break the tension between them and he did. With his love he banished her pain once and for all. The fear that gripped her earlier was slowly releasing her, freeing her heart to be one with his.  
  
He held her, afraid to let her go, not wanting her to run, yet knowing she couldn't. You feel so good in my arms. I want to hold you forever. He buried his face in her hair, drinking in her scent, his lips gently brushing her neck. She tried to suppress it, but a little laugh escaped her lips. Harm cupped her face in his hands, his eyes dancing with delight, pleased at hearing the joy in her laughter once again.  
  
He suddenly had a thought. "Wait here", he said, releasing her, leaving her standing there a little dazed and confused.  
  
Harm went into the kitchen and made a quick call out of Mac's earshot.  
  
As if on cue, Bud walked into the living room. "He didn't give you too much trouble, did he?" Bud asked. Mac wasn't sure if he was talking about Harm or little AJ. She chuckled at the thought.  
  
"No, he was a perfect angel. He went right to sleep" Mac responded as Bud looked in on his sleeping child.  
  
Returning to the living room and taking his keys from his pocket, Harm said,  
  
"Bud, we're going for a drive. We shouldn't be gone long."  
  
Smiling, Bud said "Just be careful", happy that they finally stopped avoiding one another.  
  
A stunned look came across Mac's face "Where are we going?" she asked, "The party . . . ."  
  
With that "flyboy" grin on his face, he would only say "You'll see". Quickly opening the door, Harm took her hand and led her across the front porch.  
  
They got into the SUV. Harm backed out of the driveway, and began their excursion. Mac tried to ask again about their destination, only to have him say "you'll see!" Her internal clock told her it was 2010. Where could he want to go?  
  
Suddenly the landscape looked familiar to her, and the recognition registered on her face. Harm caught the look out of the corner of his eye and smiled. He reached across the console and took her hand, without saying anything he brought it to his lips and kissed it, sending a shockwave through her body.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Part 7  
  
It was nearly sunset when they pulled into the airfield parking lot. The evening sky was clear, a brilliant mix of oranges fading into the purple edge of darkness as nightfall loomed closer. Harm slipped the SUV into a parking spot and turned the ignition off. He brushed his lips over hers and whispered, "wait here" and got out of the car.  
  
Ever impatient, Mac got out and stood near the hood of the SUV. What does he think he's doing? Her heart was pounding, not quite sure what he was planning, yet instinctively knowing just the same. Breathing deeply, the sweet smell of honeysuckle and fresh mowed grass filled her lungs. The song of the early evening crickets was the only sounds in the still evening air. Wrapping her arms around herself to warm herself from the chill in the air, she closed her eyes momentarily, visions of their "talk" in the Admiral's living room filled her mind. Harm's declaration of love, the feel of his arms around her, his mouth on hers brought a warm smile to her face. Opening her eyes, she thought He completes me!  
  
Movement across the parking lot caught her eye, Harm was making his way back from the airfield office to the SUV, where Mac was standing. He noticed her shiver and reached into the vehicle to get his jacket "here, you'll need this" he smiled, helping her put the coat on. His scent on the jacket enlivened her. Taking her hand he smiled at her lovingly, "come on, we have a plane to catch".  
  
Smiling, she slipped her hand easily into his, their fingers entwining, as they crossed the field to continue their journey.  
  
Because of Harm's earlier phone call, the mechanic already had "Sarah" out of the hanger and waiting to go. Hand in hand they walked over to the plane. Mac was speechless, but eager to join him in the sky.  
  
"Are you ready?"  
  
"For what?" she asked smiling.  
  
"To conquer our fears", he said touching her cheek.  
  
Harm helped Mac into the plane, took his place in the seat behind her and with the aid of the mechanic they got off the ground and into the evening sky.  
  
In her wildest dreams, Mac never envisioned herself flying with Harm like this. The last time they were in his plane, there were dire circumstances involved. But not this time. The setting sun glowed warmly on them, giving an auburn tint to her soft, brown hair. Her laughter from the butterflies in her stomach filled the cool air. The plane skimmed over the treetops, revealing a Virginia skyline that was never more beautiful or more breathtaking. She held her breath and closed her eyes, and vowed I will never forget this moment as long as I live!  
  
There was no need to speak, they were able to hear each others thoughts and feel each other's emotions. Soaring through the skies Mac finally realized what Harm talked about—it was an incredible sensation! This is what I want you to experience every day, Sarah! Being one with each other's soul, she heard him, her heart echoing his feelings.  
  
******  
  
As the setting sun finally gave way to darkness, the stars began to dance in the heavens. Harm brought the plane down gently on the runway and taxied over to the hanger. Both a little disappointed that they needed to bring their adventure to an end.  
  
Once stopped, Harm jumped out and quickly helped Mac out as well. She was dizzy from the flight, but more so from the excitement. The touch of his hand in the small of her back sent her soaring again.  
  
Mac laughed, catching her breath "You are quite the impulsive one, aren't you, Flyboy?"  
  
"You have no idea!" Harm replied, his one eyebrow cocked, as usual.  
  
Harm and the mechanic eased "Sarah" into the hanger while Mac watched. He sure knows how to sweep a girl off her feet. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Mac was truly happy. The butterflies were still dancing inside of her. I never knew that love could feel this wonderful! No, I knew that night on the porch, I just spent too much time denying it.  
  
Harm jogged back to her side and put his arm around her shoulder as they walked back to the parking lot together. Her smile lit up the darkness.  
  
Soon they were back at the SUV. Walking around the vehicle to the passenger side, Harm stopped himself from opening the door. I wish I could stop the hands of time and stay in this moment forever! Neither wanted the evening to end. The stars provided just enough light to see each others face. Mac backed up against the car and stood there looking at him. Those eyes! I want to get lost in those eyes she thought.  
  
"So, Flyboy, what other surprises do you have up your sleeve?" she said to him as he moved closer to her. Reaching up, she put her arms around his neck.  
  
"That depends on you, Sarah. Do you think we've conquered our fears?"  
  
She could only think of one way to respond to that question. Drawing him in closer to her, she kissed him, deeply.  
  
Deciding that the evening wasn't quite over yet, they stood there, lost in one another. Mac shivered a little. "Are you cold?" Harm asked, and then, remembering the blanket in the back of the SUV, retrieved it. As he went to wrap her in it, Mac said, "Wait, I have a better idea."  
  
Taking the blanket, she laid it on the cool grass and sat down, motioning to Harm to sit with her. He sat behind her, enveloping her in his arms. They enjoyed the quiet stillness of the night, the crickets serenading them under the stars, losing themselves in their thoughts of each another.  
  
"I'm sorry" Mac said quietly, breaking the silence.  
  
"What are you apologizing for?"  
  
"For my foolishness, for pushing you away all those times. Tonight, you made me see how wrong I was to run from you. I don't ever want to hurt you like that again, Harm. Can you ever forgive me?"  
  
"Sarah, it's in the past—but there's nothing to forgive. You can never hurt me. Your fear was understandable." Holding her tighter, Harm said, "Just know that I am not going anywhere, at least not without you. There is no fear that we cannot conquer together."  
  
She turned to face him. Harm kissed her passionately, pulling her deeper into him. Slowly, he laid her on the blanket molding his body with hers, clinging to her, like the night he held on for dear life, trying to get home to her. The warmth they created helped them to forget about the cool night air and where they were.  
  
Their hearts pounding, Harm suddenly stopped. "We can't do this" he said breathlessly.  
  
Stunned, Mac pulled away, confused more than ever. What's happening? Why is he pulling away?  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Part 8  
  
Looking at her face and into her eyes, he saw what she was thinking. "I want you Sarah." he said tenderly, touching her face and then stroking her hair, "But this isn't the place to show you how much I love you".  
  
Mac was still trying to comprehend what he was saying, the puzzled look still very clear on her face.  
  
The husky, sultry tone to his voice had Mac's attention, "Let's do this right. I want the first time we make love to be special" he said running his fingers along her cheek, down her neck, finding her arm.  
  
Then, with a devilish grin and a hint of humor, "Besides, we might get arrested for public indecency if this continues" Harm said his eyes dancing at the thought!  
  
Her confusion turned to laughter "Well, Harmon Rabb Jr., afraid of a little PDA {public display of affection}! I must say, I have never seen this side of you before!"  
  
Nuzzling her neck, Harm groaned, "Keep this up and I guarantee you'll see a part of me that you have never seen before!"  
  
Her laughter echoed through the airfield.  
  
Harm rolled over onto his back, sighing. "Besides, I think we need to get back to the party. I'm sure they're wondering where we went."  
  
Mac cuddled next to him, "I guess you're right, Harm" she paused, gathering her thoughts, "How are we going to handle this?"  
  
"Well," Harm started, flipping Mac onto her back, his mouth on her neck, "I thought we could go to this little Bed and Breakfast on the coast, and then . . . ."  
  
Giggling at his misinterpretation of her question, "That is definitely not what I meant, Sailor!! Let's get serious here. There will be questions and I can tell you one person who'll want an answer—the Admiral!"  
  
"You sure know how to ruin a moment, Mac" Harm was now sitting up on the blanket, the intimacy between them broken by reality. "How are we going to handle this?"  
  
"Let's start by going back. It's 2150, things should be winding down, the crowd probably thinned out, it should be relatively safe."  
  
"Except you forgot one thing, this party was at the Admiral's—don't you think he noticed we were gone!"  
  
"We'll just be honest—we needed to talk about a case so we went for a drive. Nothing more, nothing less. It is the truth."  
  
Harm was amused by her attempt to explain their "outing", even in the starlight he could see her cheeks blushing. He stood up and pulled her with him, "We sound like two teenagers, figuring a way to get home past curfew." Laughing, he grabbed her and spun her around, "Let's go home before we get grounded!"  
  
Picking up the blanket, they brushed the dewy grass from themselves. Harm moved around to the passenger side of his SUV, and opened the door for Mac, pulling her close for a final kiss before shutting the door and returning to Bud's party.  
  
2216 local  
  
The Admiral's home  
  
The party was still in full swing. AJ sat on the patio looking a little disgusted at the fact that the party showed no signs of ending anytime soon. Sturgis was holding court, telling stories about him and Harm. He's certainly the life of the party. Where is Rabb anyway? And Mackenzie? They disappeared hours ago. I wonder . . . AJ stopped his mind from wandering. None of my business unless they let it interfere with their jobs. God, it would be great though. It would certainly end the tension between them, and maybe we could finally get some work done! Bringing his attention back to the crowd in his backyard, AJ heaved a sigh, Guess I won't be getting much sleep tonight. "Don't you people have a life" he said to no one in particular, not that anyone could hear him above Sturgis.  
  
Harm pulled the SUV back into the Admiral's driveway, surprised to see that most of the partygoers were still there. He shot Mac a look of despair "So much for everyone having gone home."  
  
"I think they're waiting for us" she replied with a chuckle.  
  
"So, now what?" Harm asked, hoping for a clear-cut answer.  
  
"Let's go inside and just take it one step at a time."  
  
They got out of the SUV, and made their way toward the front porch. They were so comfortable with each other, giggling and smiling, that they never realized they were holding hands until they walked through the door and right into AJ.  
  
The blood drained from Harm's face at the sight of the Admiral thisclose to him. OK, we are doomed! He dropped Mac's hand like it was on fire.  
  
"Nice of you both to join us, Commander. Colonel." AJ said in his best gruff tone, hoping to rattle their cages.  
  
Mac handled the situation with finesse. "Admiral, we were just talking about you! This party was such a wonderful idea! You should do this more often" Let's hope he didn't notice we were gone for 2 hours and 6 minutes. Just keep smiling Marine, it'll be over before you know it, maybe in more ways than one!!  
  
"Well, it looks as though you two are having a great time" AJ said, picking a blade of grass from Mac's hair. "Have a run in with a lawn mower, Colonel?"  
  
Mac felt her cheeks get red hot—suddenly she had nothing to say.  
  
Harm was stifling a laugh when the Admiral shot him a look. "What's so funny, Commander?"  
  
"Ah, . . .nothing, sir" It was Harm's turn to change colors. OK, here it comes, time to duck the bullets.  
  
Marines don't duck, we take cover Mac thought in response to the look on Harm's face. "We went to take Jingo for a walk, since he was alone for awhile, you know, nature calls!" her voice trembling a little hoping he bought the line she was feeding him.  
  
Nature calls, good one Mac, if he only knew! The flyboy grin was making another appearance at his thoughts of the evening's events. But the look on the Admiral's face made him think twice about smiling.  
  
"I see" was all AJ could say, otherwise he would have burst from laughing at them. They are trying to be so cool—it's written all over their faces! All right, you've had your fun with them AJ—let them go! "Well, it seems that the party is showing no signs of ending anytime soon, so might as well join them!" he said smacking Harm on the shoulder before walking back to the kitchen. And don't think I didn't notice the hand-holding either! Keep it out of work so I don't have to transfer one of you! AJ thought, hiding the growing smile on his face.  
  
Mac dropped to the sofa, while Harm slumped in the rocker. "Great save, Mac. Did you learn those diversionary tactics in boot camp?"  
  
"Very funny—you looked like you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar!  
  
I think it's time we were social, don't you?" Mac got up off the sofa and walked over to Harm and extended her hand to help him up from the chair. Both relieved that the Admiral had nothing further to say about their absence or the evidence of their adventure.  
  
They proceeded to the back yard and entered together, minus the hand- holding. Sturgis was right in the thick of things. He had everyone doubled over with laughter. No one saw Harm and Mac return, that is, except Sturgis. Well, well, look who has returned from the great beyond! And they're smiling! About damn time!  
  
Harm and Mac went their separate ways, socializing at different ends of the patio, yet unable to take their eyes off one another, still able to feel the kisses, the excitement from each others touch. Both intrigued by the thought of being with one another, body and soul.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Conclusion  
  
Bud and Harriet sat next to each other on the bench at the picnic table watching their two friends do their familiar dance, avoiding each other, yet frequently making eye contact, except a new electricity was there this time.  
  
"I see they managed to settle their differences" Harriet said, taking Bud's hand.  
  
"How do you know, did Mac say something"  
  
"She doesn't have to; it's written all over their faces. It's a look of contentment a woman gets when she is in love with the man of her dreams." Harriet smiled and leaned over and kissed Bud on the cheek, resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
  
  
2335 local  
  
Admiral's home  
  
Most of the guests were departing, leaving the close knit group of friends and the guest of honor. AJ, although relieved that the party was finally coming to an end, watched his "youngest" say his good-byes, feeling proud, yet sad at the same time. Good-will flourished, slightly embarrassing Bud with all the attention. Monday morning would be here before they knew it and he would be shipping off. Bud felt a little wistful, finally realizing all he would miss, besides Harriet and little AJ. But, this was the opportunity of a lifetime, and with the support of his friends and family, had all the confidence in the world.  
  
"JAG won't be the same without you, Bud. I'm going to miss our runs" Sturgis said, shaking Bud's hand.  
  
"Thanks to you, I'm more physically fit than ever! Hopefully I'll be home on leave for the next Jagathon so I can whip your sorry butt, with all due respect, sir!"  
  
Sturgis laughed "I look forward to that! Well, I think Bobbie and I are going to call it a night. Thank you for inviting us, Harriet, we had a wonderful time."  
  
Harm, already exhausted from the evening excursion he and Mac took, also got up to leave. "I think I'm going too" he said, checking his watch, "it's a lot later than I thought. The party was great, Harriet, as usual!" The disappointment must have registered on Mac's face because Harm, looking straight at her, said "I'll see you tomorrow" and smiled that "flyboy smile".  
  
Harriet rose from her chair, went over to Harm and kissed his cheek, "Thanks for all you have done for Bud. You are a wonderful friend, Harm."  
  
Bud echoed Harriet's feelings, "yes Commander, . . . thank you, Harm" he extended his hand, but decided to embrace him instead.  
  
"Anything for you, Bud. Good luck. I know you'll do well."  
  
Then, having said his good-nights, Harm exited the Admiral's home, jumped in his SUV and quickly drove off. Mac lingered by the window in the living room, watching the tail-lights fade in the darkness as Harm drove away. Feeling a little lonely, she closed her eyes briefly, she wished she were driving off with him.  
  
"Something wrong Mac?" Harriet's words pulled Mac back to the present.  
  
"Not at all, Harriet, just a little tired, it's been a long day. I really should be heading home. Would you like me to baby-sit little AJ tomorrow so you and Bud could spend some time together?"  
  
"Thanks for the offer, Mac, but we're going to spend the day together as a family—take the little guy to the park." Bud replied.  
  
"Well, if you change your mind, call me, OK?"  
  
Harriet and Mac embraced, "Mac, we appreciate all you have done for us. We are so blessed to have friends like you and Harm."  
  
Bud likewise embraced Mac, "I'll miss you, Bud." Wiping a stray tear, she said "I better get going, I'm holding you up from getting little AJ home" she said, changing the subject to prevent her tears from flooding her eyes, a combination of Bud's impending departure, and missing Harm.  
  
"Thanks for coming, Mac" AJ said to her as she got her purse "and, stay away from the grass next time!" She opened her mouth, ready to defend herself, but thought better of it and just said "Good-night, Admiral" as she walked out the door.  
  
  
  
*******  
  
The drive home took longer than usual. Mac was immersed in her thoughts about Harm. She resisted the urge to turn the car around and drive to his apartment, just to see him one more time. I'll call him when I get home.  
  
Mac pulled into her parking spot, somewhat relieved to be home. The thought of a long, hot bath and a cup of tea relaxed her already. But first, I need to hear his voice one more time. Realizing how late it was, decided to get Jingo from the neighbors in the morning. Thank God dogs can't talk, she laughed to herself. Otherwise Jingo would sell me out in a heartbeat for a bag of doggie treats!  
  
Once she reached the hallway near her door, she thought she could her music softly playing, but dismissed it as her mind playing tricks on her. It is kinda late for that, she thought. But as she got closer to her door, she realized the music was coming from her apartment. Oh my God, I must have left the CD player on all day! Slipping the key in the lock, she turned the knob and opened the door. The vision before her was like something out of a dream, a familiar one, the one that she woke from every morning.  
  
The room was filled with candles—what seemed like hundreds—lit everywhere. The logs burning in the fireplace gave warmth to the room on the cool June evening. And, there in the midst of it all was Harm, leaning against the frame of the doorway to her bedroom.  
  
Mac was speechless, and stood there with the door still open and the keys in her hand. Harm came closer to where she was standing; he moved behind her and shut the door. Focusing his attentions on her, he took the purse and keys from her and set them on the table by the door.  
  
"I thought you'd never get here" he said in a soft, husky voice, cupping his hand to her cheek, his touch awakening her body; the luminous glow dancing off his blue eyes revealed the fire in his soul for her.  
  
"But, how . . . ." she tried to finish her sentence then smiled when he held up the spare key that he possessed, a back up she had given him after the first time she locked herself out. Harm kept the key on his key ring, knowing the day would come when he'd actually have the opportunity to use it. This was that opportunity.  
  
"You're full of surprises, Flyboy" Mac commented, pulling away and walking into the living room. "So, impulsive one, is this what you had up your sleeve?" she said, trying not to let her nervousness get the best of her.  
  
"I told you that I wanted to do this right, I wanted the first time we made love to be special." Harm was now so close to her, hands around her waist, his scent flooded her mind, exciting her. He moved his mouth to her neck, brushing his lips over her skin. She gripped his shirt as the sensation made her quiver.  
  
"And this is the right time?" Mac asked, moving away from him again, teasing him "So, what do you want, Harm?" Reaching out to her, he said, "Come to me" in a voice so deep and sensual, it made her catch her breath. As she took his hand and he pulled her against him, he whispered, his breathing slow and determined, "Sarah, I love you. Let me show you how much." Wrapping her arms around him, she moved her mouth to his, eager for the kisses that delighted her earlier. They were both drowning in their desire. She whispered "I love you Harm" into his mouth, the passion between them escalating. The heat they gave off from their bodies was more intense than the fire burning in front of them. They melted into one another, sinking to the floor, kneeling in front of the fireplace. Their urgency slowed and gave way to a tenderness that either of them have never known before, taking their time to savor this, their first time together; enjoying the slow dance of desire before it consumed them, finally giving in to years of buried emotions. The music that filled the room wrote the script for their lovemaking, the night finally giving way to a new dawn breaking, signaling their new beginning.  
  
To be with you  
  
I would risk a thousand lifetimes  
  
To be with you  
  
There's no mountain that I wouldn't climb  
  
If you're the sky  
  
Let me be the cloud that runs right through you now  
  
You don't know just how I need to  
  
Be with you there can be no substitute  
  
To be with you  
  
I've tried to hide my passion but it's  
  
Just no use  
  
Piece by piece I lose it when you  
  
Walk in the room  
  
How can I get through  
  
If I can't be with you  
  
Everytime I close my eyes I see your face  
  
I taste you on my lips  
  
Every night I fantasize  
  
That I can feel you on my fingertips  
  
To be with you, there's nothing that I wouldn't do  
  
I'm powerless swept under by your sweet caress  
  
I'm fadin' fast  
  
One look at you and I forget just who I am  
  
I come unglued if I can't be with you  
  
Everytime I close my eyes I see your face  
  
I taste you on my lips  
  
Every night I fantasize  
  
That I can feel you on my fingertips  
  
To be with you  
  
I would risk a thousand lifetimes  
  
There's no mountain I wouldn't climb  
  
To be with you  
  
Everytime I close my eyes  
  
  
  
The End  
  
Song credit "To be with you" by Jamie O'Neal. 


End file.
